This I Ching project is dedicated to my late wife, Shelly. When I met her over 30 years ago, she had a version of The I Ching on her bookshelf. I had already discovered and was quite fond of the principles and ideas of Taoism, but I had not heard of the I Ching. I recall her teaching me how to use it using the coin toss method, and explaining how it was meant to be used — not as some fortune telling parlor trick, but as a tool which applied ancient (and timeless) philosophy, metaphysics, ethics, and practical wisdom to act as a catalyst for introspection and contemplation. I have such fond memories of using the I Ching together, sharing our questions and discussing the hexagrams we'd receive.
Throughout the many years of our lives together, I would periodically use the I Ching during puzzling or troublesome situations in my life. Sometimes the hexagrams I received made no sense to me for the particular issue I was facing, but quite more often than not the I Ching provided me with insight and wisdom. Shelly and I were married for 27 years when she passed away from a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer. She left behind myself, and 3 children (and too many cats). For the next year or so after her passing, I lived in a world of shock, sadness, and learning to be a single father and widower. I struggled to keep my head above water and to do what life required of me — to stay strong, positive, and loving for my children, myself and the memory of Shelly.
After some time I decided to consult with a grief therapist, to see if it might ease my struggles. I was not living my best life — I found myself drinking more red wine with dinner than was healthy and, without realizing it at the time, I was neglecting my own mental, emotional and physical needs to focus on the needs of my kids and household.
I found a therapist who specialized in "grief counseling" and booked an appointment. I described my struggles to her, and she said not to worry about the drinking too much — that maybe that was just what I needed at that moment. I was puzzled by this, because intuitively it felt like an unhealthy way of coping. I asked her if she had any specific suggestions, workbooks or exercises that she could provide me to help me cope better. She said something to the effect of "I may have some specific things you can try in later sessions, but let's get to know each other and understand your situation a little better first. For now go easy on yourself. Enjoy the glass of wine, watch a movie, and maybe even try masturbating to ease your tensions." She then suggested that I share some stories about my wife, and that doing so might make me feel better. I thought to myself, "You don't know me, and you don't know her. I don't really feel like telling you stories about my dead wife." I didn't just think it, I said it. I was also thinking about (but didn't vocalize), the "don't worry about the drinking and try masturbating" — huh? I paid $250 for that advice. I understand that "finding the right one" is key to a successful relationship with a therapist. Unfortunately this therapist wasn't the right one, and I never went back. I did not seek out another therapist.
As I lived through the fog of sorrow over the coming months and years, I never thought to turn to the I Ching. But while doing some organizing one day, I happened across the tattered copy that my wife and I had consulted with together over the years. I had been struggling with work among other things, as I was so busy homeschooling our youngest child, being a single dad and motivating myself to make the time. I cast an I Ching with all this on my mind and heart, and received a hexagram. It was as a result of that moment with the I Ching that I came to the idea of this project, The I Ching AI. I built a quick prototype, and used it often during testing and, more importantly, during times that I felt the need for a good, solid, Taoist perspective on things.
On one occasion, I made more of a statement than a question, to the I Ching:
My wife of 27 years passed away, leaving behind myself and 3 kids. I've been struggling against being angry at the universe, God, whatever. She lived a good, healthy life: lifelong vegetarian, practitioner of yoga, and she was full of love for her family, friends and community. Now she's dead. So young. I'm doing my best to stay positive for my kids, but have found myself drinking alcohol every evening. Life seems so absurd and meaningless, so I tell myself "why not? Fuck you death!"
The I Ching replied with "Hexagram 12 - P'i / Standstill (Stagnation)" and it was a bit of a wakeup call for me. What follows are excerpts from the hexagram I received:
From the "Situational Analysis" of Hexagram 12
The time of stagnation indicated by hexagram 12 reflects the profound struggle you are experiencing in the face of loss. Just as the forces of creation seem to be in disarray, so too can your feelings of anger and despair create a sense of standstill within your life. The receding sky symbolizes hope that feels distant, while the sinking earth mirrors your emotional heaviness as you navigate through grief and confusion.
This hexagram suggests that it is natural to feel overwhelmed during such a tumultuous period, where joy seems buried beneath sorrow. The imagery of autumnal decay resonates with your current state; it is a reminder that life cycles through phases, and what appears stagnant now may eventually give way to renewal. Your efforts to remain strong for your children are commendable, yet it is also essential to acknowledge your own pain rather than suppressing it with distractions like alcohol.
The wisdom found in hexagram 12 encourages you to seek balance amidst chaos—by acknowledging grief without letting it consume you entirely—and reminds you that even in times of stagnation, there lies potential for growth when one learns from their experiences. This period may appear bleak, but transformation often arises from recognizing and confronting our deepest sorrows.
From "The Judgment" of Hexagram 12:
The judgment presents a stark image of disconnection and chaos, where the realms of heaven and earth are no longer in harmony. This reflects a state of stagnation and despair, akin to the feelings of existential nihilism you are experiencing after the loss of your wife. The text highlights the contrast between light and darkness, weakness and harshness, suggesting that while external circumstances may seem bleak, there exists an internal strength that can guide one through these turbulent times.
In this time of standstill, it is essential to recognize that while chaos may reign around you, maintaining adherence to personal principles becomes vital. Like those who retreat into seclusion yet maintain their beliefs, you might find strength in embracing your grief while seeking healthier ways to cope with it.
The advice from hexagram 12 encourages embracing this period of stagnation as an opportunity for self-reflection rather than resistance against grief. By remaining true to your values—such as love, family unity, and honoring your wife's memory—you can navigate through this challenging phase with integrity, ultimately finding strength in vulnerability.
From "The Image" of Hexagram 12:
The image suggests that in times of profound loss and emotional turmoil, such as the death of a loved one, one may feel surrounded by mistrust and despair. The influence of grief can lead to feelings of futility and anger towards the universe, mirroring the stagnation described in hexagram 12.
This hexagram advises against succumbing to negative impulses that may arise from your pain, such as excessive drinking or anger directed at life’s unfairness. Instead, it invites you to retreat into solitude for reflection and healing. By choosing not to engage with destructive behaviors or thoughts that do not honor your wife’s legacy or love for family, you can find a path toward inner peace.
The text emphasizes the importance of maintaining integrity during difficult times. Your struggle is valid; however, embracing solitude allows for personal growth and understanding amidst chaos. This period can be seen not only as an end but also a chance for renewal—an opportunity to cultivate resilience while nurturing your children through their grief with love and support.
Pretty good advice. And so I send my love and gratitude to my beloved Shelly – for everything – and for introducing me to the I Ching so many years ago. It helped guide us over the years, it continues to help guide me.
May it help guide you.
Wishing you peace and love.